Learning how to decline requests that are not your priorities is important in protecting your own time and energy.

I know you want to be nice and helpful, as well as to avoid conflict, so let’s looks at some respectful and effective ways to turn people down.

Begin with knowing that saying yes when you want to say no, does not benefit anyone. After all, they don’t want a lackluster, frustrated, distracted, burdened, or recalcitrant participant.  And saying yes when you want to say no, dishonors both sides, because it is dishonest.

So honor yourself by getting what you need, and then you’ll be more able to help when the occasion is appropriate.  It is possible to say no in ways that build bridges more than tearing them down.

It is important to be clear about what you enthusiastically want to say yes to, as well as what that will require from you. Then have the necessary boundaries in place to fully show up for that. If you understand ahead of time what your boundaries are, you can point to an authentic policy as a reason, which people tend to accept.

Consider these examples: “We only take abstract work at this time.” “I’m a vegetarian.” “I already have a standing commitment every Wednesday evening.” “I need to be home in time to put my children to bed.” “I don’t drink alcohol.” Sometimes an “I don’t do” list is as helpful as having a to-do list for getting done what you want to do.

Clarity about your boundaries and policies, makes saying “no” easier, and not personal, to the one who is asking.  It is key to separate the request from the person. Make it clear you are declining the proposed task, and not rejecting the person that is doing the asking. Express this difference clearly by saying “no” to “a project,” instead of saying “no” to “them.” Or you could say something like, “That sounds really interesting, but I am already overbooked.” In that example, you declined without even saying no, and they understand that it isn’t about them.

Even when refusing to help, you can redirect the asker with simple, offhand ideas of where they can find what they seek. “I can’t go to the symphony tonight, but Marge might appreciate being asked.” Offer alternatives so you can both get what you want. This helps maintain relationships, while guarding your energy for your priorities.

Also, I find it essential to not over-explain. You don’t owe anyone excuses, and the more you talk, the more they’ll think they can find a loophole through which to get you to do what you are trying to avoid. Make your “no” swift, unequivocal, and definitive. Don’t give them any room to think that negotiation is a possibility. Do not waste your time or theirs.

I encourage you to not prioritize others’ needs above your own. This leads to things like resentment and stress, which can be detrimental to your health. Get comfortable defining and defending your own priorities and boundaries, and avoid over extending yourself. Everyone will be better for it.